BEING A STAR 101: Deserving/Demanding, Finding the Balance
By Meagan Mayada Hesham
Reprinted from Yallah Magazine
Doing shows. Dancing professionally at restaurants, clubs, parties. You’re out there, and you want the experience to be a good one all around. You want respect, you’re right to ask to be treated like the professional artist that you are. But here things can get a little tricky, because it’s easy to take that too far, to take yourself too seriously, and to demand too much. And that means you won’t be dancing as a professional for long, because you’ll get a reputation for being “difficult”. Finding the balance is all important. In this issue I’ll address the first part of the equation: how to get the respect you deserve and be treated like the star your employers want to think they hired. (Then tune in next issue for the other side of the coin, or “Don’t sweat the small stuff and become a Demanding Diva”!) Let’s take a look at several situations and how they can be handled …
You arrive at your show and ask where you can change; you’re told, “Well, the ladies washroom is right over there…”
Don’t just assume there’s nowhere else you can change and turn a cubicle into your dressing room. Tell them you have lots of stuff that will take up lots of space and you’ll need a separate room (maybe a small storage room, an office, a bridal suite, etc.) In most cases it’s really that simple – people often don’t realize that a separate room would be better for you to change in. You simply can’t put across the image of a glamorous bellydance star if everyone in the ladies room sees you struggling through changing in a tiny cubicle in a public washroom!
Before you even start your show, you’re getting instructions on all the people you “need” to get up… then, in the first minute of your show-stopping entrance, people are pointing at their people you “need” to get up “right away!”
Don’t let the audience rule your show! Do not get anyone up in the middle of your entrance no matter how urgent it is made to seem – give the people a wink or a nod to acknowledge that you now know their Uncle Nabil needs to be picked at some point, then avert your gaze (because they probably will keep on pointing him out until you get him up ten minutes later!) Continue your opening. Ideally you don’t even want to get anyone up during your second song - depending on how long your entrance lasts and how long your second song is. If it’s a wedding or a birthday party, you may want to get the bride and groom or the birthday boy or girl up on the second song. Avoid getting anyone up during the drum solo, but somehow, I find drum solos have a way of prompting audience members to get up on their own without any invitation from you! If this happens, what can you do? You’re not going to tell them to sit down… try to keep it short so you can get back to showing off your terrific technique in the drum solo. When you feel the time is right to get some people up to dance, try to get the people who were pointed out before the show by the host or manager and then deal with any other people who were pointed out during the show. Do not feel pressured to get every person that was pointed out up to dance. Being chosen by the bellydancer should feel special, but if you get too many people up it takes away from that special-ness. Also, something that happens a lot at Greek and Turkish weddings is that you’ll find near the end of the show everyone is getting up to dance around you; if this happens, you must be sure that even though you’re not really in control, you have to look in control and make sure you’re in the centre of it all, so attention is still on you and you can pick people to join you in the middle. Do not let yourself be edged off to the side, with everyone just dancing around in pairs or groups, not paying any attention to you - this makes you look like some kind of pathetic loser.
A man is coming at your bra with a twenty dollar bill!
Try to keep moving or stay far enough away so he can’t manage to get a tip in your costume – I will usually accept the tip in my hand and say thank you. Often they simply think they’re expected to shove it into your costume somewhere, and may even be a little embarrassed to do it (just think how embarrassed their wives or girlfriends are!) – so it can be a relief if you “help” them give it to you in a more appropriate way. Of course, sometimes they will get upset and keep trying, in which case the best thing to do, is probably to wave them away as politely as possible and dance off to somewhere else.
Of course we can’t cover every situation that may come up, and you’ll be faced with situations in which you need to make decisions on the spot. As a final word, I would say to stay in the moment, stay true to yourself, and perhaps try to answer the question “What would Nagwa / Fifi / Dina / your favourite star-role model do in this case?”
BEING A STAR 101: Deserving/Demanding, Finding the Balance
Part 2: Don’t Be A Demanding Diva!
In my last article I discussed how to get the respect you deserve in “Being a Star 101”, in this article I’m going to talk about the other side of the coin: not going overboard, becoming too full of yourself, acting like a demanding diva. All these behaviors can put roadblocks on your route to becoming the professional working bellydancer you want to be. Yes, that’s right… it is possible to be a big, well-respected bellydance star without the ridiculous display of prima-dona attitude. What am I talking about? Turning down shows because they’re too far away… not wanting to dance at lesser-known clubs – only the big ones… thinking club owners are too mean… Any of this sound familiar?
Yes, there are basic standards, plus everyone has their own ideas of what is appropriate. As well, most dancers are lucky enough to have had advice passed on to them from teachers, friends, online forums, Yallah Magazine, etc. on what to do and what not to do at shows, which is a great place to start. But… to be successful and have people want to hire and work with you, you need to use your own judgement: in my view there really are no one-size-fits-all rules. That may be the most difficult part of being a professional bellydancer – not stage presence, not technique, not getting shows, but being able to think on your feet, to make judgement calls confidently, to master the give-and-take, the go-with-the-flow of your profession. It’s also important to consider what point in your bellydance career you’ve reached… have you just begun dancing (maybe done two shows), but still wouldn’t be caught dead dancing at that little unknown restaurant way out of town on a Saturday night even though you don’t have any other shows? I see this a lot. You need to ask yourself if you really want success in the bellydance world… is this a real priority in your life? If not, if it’s just a hobby, that’s fine: you can demand whatever your heart desires and dance once or twice a year for fun. But if you really want to work seriously as a bellydancer or even make bellydance your career – you need to say “yes” to shows, even shows that may seem a little undesirable. As in most professions, there’s a period of “paying your dues” as you climb your way up the ladder. Look at any celebrity’s life story – a famous actor may have started out in basement community theatres, not on the sets of Hollywood feature films! I don’t regularly perform at parties and clubs anymore, but even when I had ten years plus experience under my belt, I was still dancing at birthday parties and other shows that some beginners look down on and refuse – I was also doing great, fun shows at top restaurants and events, but I got there by taking advantage of every opportunity that came my way, of getting experience in a wide variety of (lesser-known) venues. My first regular weekly gig was at a small restaurant all the way out in a suburb, and I don’t drive – I would take a train from the city, dance for 2 or 3 tables of Canadians, then sometimes take the train back and dance at a another small restaurant downtown. I tried to be co-operative, flexible, and appreciative of the opportunity to perform and learn. It all comes down to how badly you want to become a bellydancer. I would jump at the chance to dance anywhere at the start. Lately I encounter a lot of new dancers who say they want to dance professionally and get lots of shows, yet they turn down shows almost casually – I hear “It’s too far”, “It’s too late”, “I don’t like that place”, or “I’m going out to a club/party/dinner that night”.
How to deal with…
Not liking the owner/band/audience/etc.
I’m afraid it’s a fact of life, but hardly any owners seem very nice at the start… they test you, they try to push you into a lower price, make you feel bad about yourself, feel bad about some things you don’t even have control over, make you wait too long to go on stage, etc. Here’s where you should stand your ground – be pleasant and businesslike, but don’t give into them. They will respect you in the end. But remember – be pleasant – a lot of people forget this and arguments with management often result. Also, don’t feed into what they’re saying: if you engage in conversation about these things and allow them to get to you, you give these people power over you and you’ll only end up feeling bad about yourself and about the place. Remember, people can’t make you feel bad unless you give them permission! Let’s say they complain about your skin being too pale – DO NOT engage in a discussion of which tanning salon you should rush off to before next week’s show, simply tell them in a pleasant tone and perhaps with a little humour, that that’s how you are and if they don’t like it , maybe they shouldn’t have hired you! Often I simply let out a laugh when people say strange things like this to me - usually right before I go on stage. One time, a singer told me he didn’t like the colour of the costume I was wearing, saying it made me look “dead”! No, I didn’t vow never to set foot in that club again, I simply said “Gee, thanks a lot man!” and proceeded to do a very ‘alive’ show. Just last week a cook at one of my regular clubs told me I needed a brush for my hair just before I went out for my show! These things happen… people say the darndest things… life goes on… determine not to let one of these people hold you back from bellydance success!
How to deal with…
Shows being really far away and really late
This is a no-brainer: if you have a car, great, you can get there; if you don’t, there’s usually public transit, friends with cars, and taxis. Take it from me – if you really want to get somewhere, there IS some way to get there; where there’s a will, there’s a way! Often the transportation excuse may be masking something else – could it be laziness? Nervousness? Not-quite-readiness? If you want to do a show, you can get there and back somehow… and yes, even after midnight. Demographics, and the fact that Arabs generally dine and party later than the North American norm mean that you’re not going to find all that many great shows in the downtown area and yes, many will be late! Accept that that’s the nature of what you do.
How to deal with…
Having a life and a career as a performer
Or… not having a life because of your career as a performer. Now, you may not feel so committed to performing that you want to give up Saturday night plans and other social possibilities. But if performing is a real priority, you simply have to determine to stay flexible and be ready to go/be where the action is, especially around the week-end. Sure, it would be great if restaurant owners and engagers would get their act together enough to call by Tuesday for a gig Saturday night, but gee, this doesn’t seem to be the way it happens! So you can remember the rules you played by when you were in grade nine and waiting to be asked out for Saturday night or you can jump right in a decide to re-vamp the old rules for the new game. You may get a call at 4 pm Saturday afternoon to dance at a wedding that same night. “Huh…”, you’ll be thinking, “I’ll bet they knew they were getting married before now, wonder why they waited so long to book a dancer?” And you’re right, of course it seems fairly ridiculous, but the bottom line is, do you want a job? Do you want to be out there performing? There is, happily, mind you one advantage to these last-minute arrangements: if they really need a dancer you have carte blanche to charge whatever you like – and you’re in the driver’s seat for this one and will much less likely get any quibbles. Take advantage of this – it’s a small thing, but it’s a nice thing! Second choice for a gig… and you know it? That sucks (and remembering to toss out your feelings about what you did when Rick Ambrose got turned down by Sherry La Costa and then called you to go to the prom), but so what: perhaps at this stage in your career, getting out there, doing the gig, establishing yourself is the priority. Later on, these sacrifices of time and even ego will be required less and less. Please don’t feel I’m suggesting in any way becoming a doormat, just keep your priorities in mind.
By Meagan Mayada Hesham
Reprinted from Yallah Magazine
Doing shows. Dancing professionally at restaurants, clubs, parties. You’re out there, and you want the experience to be a good one all around. You want respect, you’re right to ask to be treated like the professional artist that you are. But here things can get a little tricky, because it’s easy to take that too far, to take yourself too seriously, and to demand too much. And that means you won’t be dancing as a professional for long, because you’ll get a reputation for being “difficult”. Finding the balance is all important. In this issue I’ll address the first part of the equation: how to get the respect you deserve and be treated like the star your employers want to think they hired. (Then tune in next issue for the other side of the coin, or “Don’t sweat the small stuff and become a Demanding Diva”!) Let’s take a look at several situations and how they can be handled …
You arrive at your show and ask where you can change; you’re told, “Well, the ladies washroom is right over there…”
Don’t just assume there’s nowhere else you can change and turn a cubicle into your dressing room. Tell them you have lots of stuff that will take up lots of space and you’ll need a separate room (maybe a small storage room, an office, a bridal suite, etc.) In most cases it’s really that simple – people often don’t realize that a separate room would be better for you to change in. You simply can’t put across the image of a glamorous bellydance star if everyone in the ladies room sees you struggling through changing in a tiny cubicle in a public washroom!
Before you even start your show, you’re getting instructions on all the people you “need” to get up… then, in the first minute of your show-stopping entrance, people are pointing at their people you “need” to get up “right away!”
Don’t let the audience rule your show! Do not get anyone up in the middle of your entrance no matter how urgent it is made to seem – give the people a wink or a nod to acknowledge that you now know their Uncle Nabil needs to be picked at some point, then avert your gaze (because they probably will keep on pointing him out until you get him up ten minutes later!) Continue your opening. Ideally you don’t even want to get anyone up during your second song - depending on how long your entrance lasts and how long your second song is. If it’s a wedding or a birthday party, you may want to get the bride and groom or the birthday boy or girl up on the second song. Avoid getting anyone up during the drum solo, but somehow, I find drum solos have a way of prompting audience members to get up on their own without any invitation from you! If this happens, what can you do? You’re not going to tell them to sit down… try to keep it short so you can get back to showing off your terrific technique in the drum solo. When you feel the time is right to get some people up to dance, try to get the people who were pointed out before the show by the host or manager and then deal with any other people who were pointed out during the show. Do not feel pressured to get every person that was pointed out up to dance. Being chosen by the bellydancer should feel special, but if you get too many people up it takes away from that special-ness. Also, something that happens a lot at Greek and Turkish weddings is that you’ll find near the end of the show everyone is getting up to dance around you; if this happens, you must be sure that even though you’re not really in control, you have to look in control and make sure you’re in the centre of it all, so attention is still on you and you can pick people to join you in the middle. Do not let yourself be edged off to the side, with everyone just dancing around in pairs or groups, not paying any attention to you - this makes you look like some kind of pathetic loser.
A man is coming at your bra with a twenty dollar bill!
Try to keep moving or stay far enough away so he can’t manage to get a tip in your costume – I will usually accept the tip in my hand and say thank you. Often they simply think they’re expected to shove it into your costume somewhere, and may even be a little embarrassed to do it (just think how embarrassed their wives or girlfriends are!) – so it can be a relief if you “help” them give it to you in a more appropriate way. Of course, sometimes they will get upset and keep trying, in which case the best thing to do, is probably to wave them away as politely as possible and dance off to somewhere else.
Of course we can’t cover every situation that may come up, and you’ll be faced with situations in which you need to make decisions on the spot. As a final word, I would say to stay in the moment, stay true to yourself, and perhaps try to answer the question “What would Nagwa / Fifi / Dina / your favourite star-role model do in this case?”
BEING A STAR 101: Deserving/Demanding, Finding the Balance
Part 2: Don’t Be A Demanding Diva!
In my last article I discussed how to get the respect you deserve in “Being a Star 101”, in this article I’m going to talk about the other side of the coin: not going overboard, becoming too full of yourself, acting like a demanding diva. All these behaviors can put roadblocks on your route to becoming the professional working bellydancer you want to be. Yes, that’s right… it is possible to be a big, well-respected bellydance star without the ridiculous display of prima-dona attitude. What am I talking about? Turning down shows because they’re too far away… not wanting to dance at lesser-known clubs – only the big ones… thinking club owners are too mean… Any of this sound familiar?
Yes, there are basic standards, plus everyone has their own ideas of what is appropriate. As well, most dancers are lucky enough to have had advice passed on to them from teachers, friends, online forums, Yallah Magazine, etc. on what to do and what not to do at shows, which is a great place to start. But… to be successful and have people want to hire and work with you, you need to use your own judgement: in my view there really are no one-size-fits-all rules. That may be the most difficult part of being a professional bellydancer – not stage presence, not technique, not getting shows, but being able to think on your feet, to make judgement calls confidently, to master the give-and-take, the go-with-the-flow of your profession. It’s also important to consider what point in your bellydance career you’ve reached… have you just begun dancing (maybe done two shows), but still wouldn’t be caught dead dancing at that little unknown restaurant way out of town on a Saturday night even though you don’t have any other shows? I see this a lot. You need to ask yourself if you really want success in the bellydance world… is this a real priority in your life? If not, if it’s just a hobby, that’s fine: you can demand whatever your heart desires and dance once or twice a year for fun. But if you really want to work seriously as a bellydancer or even make bellydance your career – you need to say “yes” to shows, even shows that may seem a little undesirable. As in most professions, there’s a period of “paying your dues” as you climb your way up the ladder. Look at any celebrity’s life story – a famous actor may have started out in basement community theatres, not on the sets of Hollywood feature films! I don’t regularly perform at parties and clubs anymore, but even when I had ten years plus experience under my belt, I was still dancing at birthday parties and other shows that some beginners look down on and refuse – I was also doing great, fun shows at top restaurants and events, but I got there by taking advantage of every opportunity that came my way, of getting experience in a wide variety of (lesser-known) venues. My first regular weekly gig was at a small restaurant all the way out in a suburb, and I don’t drive – I would take a train from the city, dance for 2 or 3 tables of Canadians, then sometimes take the train back and dance at a another small restaurant downtown. I tried to be co-operative, flexible, and appreciative of the opportunity to perform and learn. It all comes down to how badly you want to become a bellydancer. I would jump at the chance to dance anywhere at the start. Lately I encounter a lot of new dancers who say they want to dance professionally and get lots of shows, yet they turn down shows almost casually – I hear “It’s too far”, “It’s too late”, “I don’t like that place”, or “I’m going out to a club/party/dinner that night”.
How to deal with…
Not liking the owner/band/audience/etc.
I’m afraid it’s a fact of life, but hardly any owners seem very nice at the start… they test you, they try to push you into a lower price, make you feel bad about yourself, feel bad about some things you don’t even have control over, make you wait too long to go on stage, etc. Here’s where you should stand your ground – be pleasant and businesslike, but don’t give into them. They will respect you in the end. But remember – be pleasant – a lot of people forget this and arguments with management often result. Also, don’t feed into what they’re saying: if you engage in conversation about these things and allow them to get to you, you give these people power over you and you’ll only end up feeling bad about yourself and about the place. Remember, people can’t make you feel bad unless you give them permission! Let’s say they complain about your skin being too pale – DO NOT engage in a discussion of which tanning salon you should rush off to before next week’s show, simply tell them in a pleasant tone and perhaps with a little humour, that that’s how you are and if they don’t like it , maybe they shouldn’t have hired you! Often I simply let out a laugh when people say strange things like this to me - usually right before I go on stage. One time, a singer told me he didn’t like the colour of the costume I was wearing, saying it made me look “dead”! No, I didn’t vow never to set foot in that club again, I simply said “Gee, thanks a lot man!” and proceeded to do a very ‘alive’ show. Just last week a cook at one of my regular clubs told me I needed a brush for my hair just before I went out for my show! These things happen… people say the darndest things… life goes on… determine not to let one of these people hold you back from bellydance success!
How to deal with…
Shows being really far away and really late
This is a no-brainer: if you have a car, great, you can get there; if you don’t, there’s usually public transit, friends with cars, and taxis. Take it from me – if you really want to get somewhere, there IS some way to get there; where there’s a will, there’s a way! Often the transportation excuse may be masking something else – could it be laziness? Nervousness? Not-quite-readiness? If you want to do a show, you can get there and back somehow… and yes, even after midnight. Demographics, and the fact that Arabs generally dine and party later than the North American norm mean that you’re not going to find all that many great shows in the downtown area and yes, many will be late! Accept that that’s the nature of what you do.
How to deal with…
Having a life and a career as a performer
Or… not having a life because of your career as a performer. Now, you may not feel so committed to performing that you want to give up Saturday night plans and other social possibilities. But if performing is a real priority, you simply have to determine to stay flexible and be ready to go/be where the action is, especially around the week-end. Sure, it would be great if restaurant owners and engagers would get their act together enough to call by Tuesday for a gig Saturday night, but gee, this doesn’t seem to be the way it happens! So you can remember the rules you played by when you were in grade nine and waiting to be asked out for Saturday night or you can jump right in a decide to re-vamp the old rules for the new game. You may get a call at 4 pm Saturday afternoon to dance at a wedding that same night. “Huh…”, you’ll be thinking, “I’ll bet they knew they were getting married before now, wonder why they waited so long to book a dancer?” And you’re right, of course it seems fairly ridiculous, but the bottom line is, do you want a job? Do you want to be out there performing? There is, happily, mind you one advantage to these last-minute arrangements: if they really need a dancer you have carte blanche to charge whatever you like – and you’re in the driver’s seat for this one and will much less likely get any quibbles. Take advantage of this – it’s a small thing, but it’s a nice thing! Second choice for a gig… and you know it? That sucks (and remembering to toss out your feelings about what you did when Rick Ambrose got turned down by Sherry La Costa and then called you to go to the prom), but so what: perhaps at this stage in your career, getting out there, doing the gig, establishing yourself is the priority. Later on, these sacrifices of time and even ego will be required less and less. Please don’t feel I’m suggesting in any way becoming a doormat, just keep your priorities in mind.
